Being Irrational

I've been thinking a lot tonight about things and wondering why I felt a hole in myself. After much introspection it's come to my attention of what the reason may be.

At first it seemed to be a classic example of the regular abandonment issues I have. This isn't the case though.

I trust.

I know there is no reason not to.

I just wish that when plans had changed and became more interesting that I could have been included. Makes me feel like a loser second class citizen. At least an offer would have been nice.

As it is, I'm sat at home watching films and waiting for an email. That is pretty lame.

It would apparently make me not good enough to be taken out as a partner to a social event.

That makes me rather sad. Also, kind of not terribly happy. We just reached a new modus of understanding. I don't want to be a tool and act like a jerk. However, I would have appreciated a signal that would have indicated some inclusion. What I feel I got was "Have a good night, I'll email you later when I'm home".

What would have been fantastic would have been, "Wow! I got to this party unexpectedly and would love you to come and be with me here.". Didn't happen.

I want us to be a couple. I do feel quite strongly about that fact. Even this was endorsed by a crazy woman in the Metro this morning.

Back to the Tudors then! Bon soir!

Hmm

How do you know if someone wants to be with you? How do you know if they deem you suitable? How do you demonstrate the fact you want to be with a person? How do you express your inner and awkward feelings?

A Note on Male PMS

It does seem to happen. I do recall reading some articles over the years about how males do have regular hormonal fluctuations. Meh, who knows? Some days people are just not 'firing on all cylinders'. When this is the case what do you say to someone that asks you what the issue is? When you don't even know the reason yourself, but you know you're acting differently, what do you say?

Perhaps the best thing to do is to just say you're feeling a bit off and hope that it's left at that. After all we're all human and have the right to have days that aren't as scintillating as others.

If people were 100% consistent day after day, that would probably be an indication that it was either a Stepford wife situation, or some sort of SSRI (or otherwise) was prescribed. This is not to say that having a varied take on life is an excuse to be a jerk. Nor is it a sanction to decide that you have 'cute' affectations of personality. On the other hand if the fluctuations are very broadly dramatic and destructive, perhaps seeking medical assistance would be necessary. It all depends on the pattern

Sometimes you just wake up and feel either blasé or annoyed or who knows what.

Today I woke up and felt good, but kind like I was looking at myself from outside. Neither good nor bad, but detached. In what could be best termed as a true 'meh' mood. There are some things I need to sort out related to family, and am digesting. It must have been one of those ambivelant days.

Anyhow, even though emotions may not have been communicated well today I think that my actions spoke volumes. I did curse and swear quite a lot, and rather elaborately while wrestling a heavy mirror onto a wall but I think the fact that I do care did show through.

Time to watch another episode from a new series to me: Californication. This is a very good show in my opinion, as most HBO shows tend to be. It certainly says a lot about male-ness. Maybe there will be a commentary about the first season as a whole at some point in the future.